- If you have it all figured out, you’re following someone else’s blueprint.
If you were meant to know your future, you would. No one really knows what their future holds, and you can’t control what you don’t know. Kurt Cobain said it best. “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”
- Meditating helps to regulate emotions.
Meditating might sound hippy-dippy, but there is so much science backing the health benefits of doing it. In the beginning, practice 30 minutes and then work your way down to 5-10 minutes a day. Find meditation guides on YouTube. Or just close your eyes and breathe. Remember, meditating isn’t about not having any thoughts at all, it’s about having them, and letting them pass you by. - No one cares as much as you think they do.
The above lesson isn’t supposed to make you feel like crap or like no one cares about you. It’s supposed to liberate you. You free yourself from the opinions of others once you realize this. What other people think isn’t any of your business, anyways.
- Give it 24 hours.
Before you try to take any drugs, send a highly emotional text, buy something expensive, whatever, give it 24 hours, sleep on it, and see if you feel the same way in the morning. Odds are, you’ll respond differently to the situation than you would’ve in the moment. Learn to respond instead of react. - Peace is already within you.
Take a deep breath and know that everything is going to be OK. There is eternal peace within you. Close your eyes and tap into that. Remember that. No matter what happens, there will always be a peaceful place within you. - Feel it all before moving on/letting go
You can’t move on from something if you’ve never felt the emotions associated with it. For example, if you’re feeling heart broken, it’s OK to take a sick day just to cry, listen to sad music and curl up in bed. If you have things to do, do them, but know that when you’re in the comfort of your own room or home, you can let go and feel those feelings.
- Get off your phone every now and then…seriously!
Don’t roll your eyes at this one. I’m serious. Start charging your phone somewhere else other than right next to you where you sleep. Take evenings and days off of your phone. Turn off and put your phone in a drawer when trying to focus on something you care about. Delete your social media apps (save your passwords first, obviously) and take a social media detox for a week. You’ll feel more present. Social media and our phones numb us from true emotion and connection.
- It’s OK to put your to-do list on the back burner
This is almost every Friday night and Saturday for me. I tell myself, everything that I “need” to do around the house can wait until Sunday, which I call my GYST day. As in, Get Your Shit Together day. Pushing the to-do list aside and just doing whatever the heck I want feels amazing. Getting yourself consumed in something that makes you happy and not worrying about anything else is its own kind of therapy. - Fake it ‘til you make it
“I am strong. I am confident in myself. I know wtf I’m talking about. I can talk all day in front of a crowd.” These were all things I told myself before presenting my master’s thesis project to a committee of three professors who would either pass or fail me. Deep down, I was terrified, but I stood really tall with my hands on my hips and looked in a mirror and told myself these things until I believed them. When I was done presenting, and it was time for questions, the committee said it was the best one they’ve heard so far. Faking it til you make it actually works, but you actually have to believe it to be true yourself. Don’t say “I want to be.” Say “I am.”
- Worrying is a defense mechanism.
We run through vicious cycles of “what ifs” in our minds and play out every worse case scenario. This puts us in a state of fear and anxiety, but what it really is is a defense mechanism. We work up these scenarios in our minds because we’re trying to protect our future selves from any uncomfortable feelings we may feel if or when these things come to pass. It’s a stupid mechanism because we’re putting our present selves through pain and in the end, we’re not really protecting our future selves from those uncomfortable feelings. We’ll feel them regardless. For example, if I work myself up and make myself sad over the fear of a loved one dying, I’m not eliminating the pain I will feel if or when that happens. I’m only hurting myself in the present. The sooner you realize this, the easier it will be to have your fears subside and to move on. - It’s OK to contemplate loss
A follow up to the above, it’s OK to contemplate losing the people you love, your career, material possessions, etc, as long as you don’t worry about losing them. Contemplating these things periodically will make you more grateful to enjoy the things you have. - If you’re gracious, you’ve won.
Counting your blessings will give you a more positive outlook, help you enjoy your experiences and more. There’s a lot of research behind the power of gratitude. Write down 1-3 things every day that you’re grateful for and you’ll begin to see how much you have. - Let go of things you cannot control.
This is easier said than done, and I am still struggling with this, but it’s extremely important to come back to this. There is no “good” or “bad.” Only “preferred” and “rejected.” There is no “should do” or “have to.” Only “I would like to.” You cannot control others from hurting you or bad things from happening. You can only control how you respond. - Wear the damn shorts.
A 5th grade boy uttering the word “gross” was enough to stop me from wearing shorts for 12 years. That may seem silly, but for a young girl, that influenced how I dressed for more than half of my life. For years, I hated my thighs, my calves and more. It’s a sad truth, but I’m not the only one who has felt this way about myself. Many other women have felt the same way. So if you’ve ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought “if only my *insert whatever* was perfect, I could pull this off,” take this as a sign. Your body does not define who you are. Wear the damn shorts.
- Give yourself grace.
We may live in a rat race, but that doesn’t mean you have to work yourself to death along the way. No one is perfect. We fall off track, but we get back up again regardless. Give yourself the grace to be imperfect.
- You’re not crazy or a bitch for setting boundaries.
“You are on top of me right now, and I feel scared. I need you to get off of me right now so we can work something out.” These words saved a woman’s life after being attacked in a robbery gone south. I’m not naive enough to think open communication is going to save you in a situation like that every time, but communicating our needs simply and clearly (and maintaining those boundaries) is important for our mental health and could save our lives. Don’t let others make you feel bad for setting them.
Boundary setting formula: “(State a fact). I feel ____ about this. I need (boundary) for (opportunity).” - Growth isn’t supposed to be comfortable.
A marathon runner doesn’t just wake up and run a marathon one day. Not without grueling training. If you want to grow and become a better person, it’s going to be uncomfortable, so be prepared for that and accept it. - What’s meant for you will find its way to you.
Rejection is just redirection. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.” – Mick Jagger, The Rolling Stones. There may be times where you feel hopeless in finding what you’re looking for, but know the search is not in vain and what is meant for you will stick around. - Exercise and creative expression aren’t wants, they’re needs.
The greatest stress reliever is exercise. After that falls comforting human connection (hugs, kisses, cuddles…and sex, duh), and creative expression, or whatever gets you into a “flow state” where you can get lost for hours if you let yourself. Make sure to incorporate these things into your weekly routine, if not daily. Many people experience stress daily (women and POC, especially), so it’s important we include stress relieving activities to counteract the stressors. If you’re telling yourself you don’t have time, make time. Stress kills. - Healthy communication + trust = healthy relationships
Actively listen to others and think before you speak. These are things we’ve been told throughout our lives, but they really are the keys to healthy relationships! Be truthful and exchange emotional vulnerability to build trust, just make sure you’re not trauma/emotion dumping and they are reciprocating the vulnerability. Don’t force people to open up to you, but make sure the vulnerability is equal. It can’t be one-sided. - It’s good to have a plan, but don’t rely on it.
I’m a planner. I LOVE to plan. My OCD-brain is a big fan of productivity tools, goal setting and planning. However, as a human who has lived a life, plans change. Although it makes me uncomfortable when plans change, I’ve learned to accept it and move on in the best ways I can. - Sort out your values first, goal set second.
Setting goals without understanding why is the first step of a self-sabotaging cycle. Write a list of what you’re grateful for, what you’re passionate about and what you value. Make sure your goals align with what you’ve written. If your goals aren’t aligned to your values, how can you possibly care enough to fulfill them? - Manifest, baby!
I’m not about to drop “The Secret” on you right now, but I’ve definitely manifested some things into my life and I’ve found manifestation journaling to be quite therapeutic. This lesson, combined with the previous lesson, is a match made in heaven. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it. - You’re stronger than you think.
At the start of each day, week, month, year, we set goals or tasks for the future. We don’t often look back and see what we’ve accomplished. In moments of doubt, it’s important to look back and remember the battles you’ve won, the things you’ve survived. You’re stronger than you think, so try to remember that in times where you need to power through. - Focus on the present moment.
It’s all we have. Worrying and dwelling is only hurting your present self. The past and the future are illusions, and everything happens all at once, in the present moment. Move your body, cry, do whatever you have to do to feel present and be grateful. Focus on what you can do right now for yourself. The more we can enjoy the present moment, the happier we’ll be.
Amber Mirrelle 