Self-Sabotage to Self-Mastery

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” – Kurt Cobain 

What is self-sabotage?  According to B.P. Brenner of the Therapy Group of NYC, self-sabotage is when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally or deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values.

Many of us self-sabotage on a daily basis, but we’re not fully aware of it.  We set goals for the new year, create dream boards and make detailed plans to create our “dream life.”   Then, days, weeks, or months pass and we feel like we haven’t accomplished anything.  But are you self-sabotaging?  

If you’re: 

• Blindly chasing goals without asking yourself why you want them
• Waiting for someone else to offer approval or hand it to you 
• Not realizing how far you’ve come 
• Trying to impress others who don’t like you rather than spend time with people who love you 
• Caring more about being liked than your own happiness

…you’re in a self-sabotaging cycle. 

The only way to overcome self-sabotage is self-mastery.  You have to ask yourself why you want the things you want, why you care what others think, and why do certain things trigger you?  The only thing you need to know and understand, above all else, is yourself.  

Now, I want to be clear, the things you desire are valid.  Your need to be validated is valid.  We live in an age where we’re told to be self-sufficient, but this overlooks the reality of human nature and connection. We begin neglecting ourselves when we believe our wants and needs make us weak.  

To combat this, you must understand your needs, meet the ones you are responsible for and then allow yourself to accept help from others for the needs you can’t meet on your own.  Not sure who to accept help from or trust?  Our intuition and instinct tell us what we need and what we’re meant to do, whereas intrusive thought patterns frighten us into a panic.  Intuition shows you how to respond, whereas intrusive thoughts demand that you react.  Allow your intuition to guide you to those who will help you and how to help yourself.  Identify intrusive thoughts, ask yourself why you have them, and then disregard them.  

One of the main ways we self-sabotage is by pushing our wants, desires and needs away from us.  An example of this in my own life is my need for connection with others.  I used to have (and sometimes still have) an irrational fear of losing everyone I love.  I would imagine scenes of my loved ones passing or leaving me to the point where I would cry.  When we are scared of losing something, we push it away as a means of self-preservation, or we worry as a subconscious defense mechanism.  It’s almost as if we worry enough, we believe it will prepare us better for when those fears or worries come to pass.  The truth is, if we worry ourselves sick and our fears actually play out, we will feel just as terrible, if not moreso, as when we were worrying about it.  

Another example of this is a fear of failure.  We end up not pursuing our dreams (getting fit, writing a book, starting a business, etc.) because of our fear of failure.  What we want (success & connection) is the exact opposite of what you fear (failure & disconnection).  Ask yourself what is the worst that could happen, what your idol would do and if your loved ones would hate or exile you, if you failed.  

One reason why we self-sabotage is because of childhood trauma.  We all have some form of it.  We desired something, and then we never received it.  We can’t live in the past and we have to be able to acknowledge the pain our younger selves went through.  Acknowledge it, turn forward and build something new.  

An example is relationship trauma.  If someone had a bad relationship in childhood, they will reinvest energy into success or attractiveness.  Being “good enough” will protect them from being denied or rejected.  Instead, they should acknowledge their needs and restore a feeling of safety by working on safe, healthy relationships.  Fear is not going to protect you.  

On your journey to self-mastery, you may lose people along the way.  If you begin building your dream life, people may judge you.  To combat any outside forces getting you down and questioning yourself, understand life is not a before and after picture.  People care more about themselves and their own life than what you’re doing with yours.  This shouldn’t make you feel sad, it’s liberation.  

It will be a difficult journey, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it also wasn’t built without some blood, sweat and tears.  

Here are some journal prompts that I reflected on in my own journey to self-mastery that I hope will help you: 

1. What are the patterns around your self-sabotage?  
2. What is the course correction for the patterns around your self-sabotage?  What do you want to do instead?  
3. How can you try to get better at where you are currently?  
4. Exposure is the most common treatment for irrational fear.  How can you expose yourself to your fears in a rational and healthy way?  
5. Are there any unrealistic expectations or things from the past you hold onto?  
6. Identify and write down what caused any traumatic experiences.  
7. How can you reinstate a sense of safety for your inner child?  
8. What would your most powerful self do today?  
9. What do you value?  What do you genuinely care about?  
10. What feelings do you want to experience in life?  
11. What makes you uneasy or gives you anxiety?  
12. What and who is worth suffering for?  What are you willing to work for and be comfortable with?  
13. Imagine the best version of yourself.  What is that person like?  How do they look?  What do they do?  What can you do today to become that person?  
14. If social media didn’t exist, what would you do with your life?  
15. What comes most naturally to you?  
16. What do you want your legacy to be?